I had already tried this the previous year and failed spectacularly, but on New Year’s Eve 2017 I thought, hey, I should make a resolution. How about I watch a new film every week for a year, that’ll be…… oh wait, didn’t I try and fail at this last year. The rules were simple, it just had to be a film that I hadn’t seen before and I didn’t have to wait a week to watch the next film, which turned out to be quite useful. Well, even after the failure of the previous year, and the thousands of people who thought I couldn’t do it, (that’s a lie, most people didn’t even care) I embarked on a New Years Resolution that had already proved to be too much for me.
Now I know it doesn’t sound that hard, but when you work full time and life throws curveballs at you a month in, it was touch and go as to whether I would do it. If you hadn’t guessed though, I did do it, and with a few days to spare. Thankfully I watched around eight films in the first month which gave me enough leeway later on.
So what to do with my years worth of films? Well of course, let’s rank them. I apologies in advance for some of the crap I’ve watched and also for taking so long to watch others. So where to begin? Oh I know, with one of the worst Shark films ever!
52 – Raiders of the Lost Shark
Quick Verdict: Don’t let the cover fool you.
This has to be the most exciting poster for a shark film in a long time. Let’s see, we have a jet ski, a woman being towed with a stick of dynamite, 2 helicopters and an exploding seaplane. Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but none of that is in the film. What you are subject to is a student made, badly acted, badly shot, badly written mess of a film. I can forgive the terrible effects due to budget constraints, but if you’re going to call your film Raiders of the Lost Shark, at least give us something that you can sink your teeth into. Pun intended!
51. Ibiza Undead (Zombie Spring Breakers)
Quick Verdict: Kevin and Perry and Zombies (but less fun)
I wanted this film to be The Inbetweeners meets Shaun of the Dead. Yes I was aiming that high. Needless to say, I was disappointed. The stereotypical characters were mostly annoying and I really didn’t care when some met there end. Emily Atack is the best actor of the bunch of holiday makers, but is underused and Matt King (Super Han’s) is doing the best he can with what is an underwhelming plot.
Only plus I can think is the make up team did a great job on the zombies.
50. Fifty Shades Freed
Quick Verdict: I can’t believe she married him
The tag line is ‘Don’t miss the climax’. Will I bloody did. Anyway, enough silly puns. Let’s play ‘Fifty Shades Bingo’.
1. Creepy starring ✔️
2. Christian having sex with his trousers (pants) still on. Let me see that bum ✔️
3. Christian being an unreasonable asshole ✔️
4. Extensive shots of clamping ✔️
5. Anastasia has her breasts out during a serious conversation ✔️
Okay, he’s creepy and controlling and an asshole, right? Just checking. So I did enjoy the game of bingo and the out loud laughing at the plot, but it is terrible.
49. Mom and Dad
Quick Verdict: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should
I started writing this countdown back in November thinking I wouldn’t watch a film as bad as my bottom ten. How wrong was I? This film is bad, so bad I’ve had to shoe horn it into number 49 on the list. It really doesn’t know what it wants to be and because of this, for me, it really doesn’t work.
It starts with a cool credit sequence and that’s possibly the best part. The credits, however, are a red-herring, and give you an expectation of the film that never comes to fruition. The film itself doesn’t know if it’s a comedy gore or a serious horror. Unfortunately, it’s stuck in the middle of both and becomes an awkward, uncomfortable watch. They were unsure of the theme to the extent they wouldn’t show the murder of children, under a certain age, but didn’t then fall back to a more suspense horror theme that would have at least put you on the edge of your seat. I was on the edge of my seat, but that was just waiting for the end credits, so I could get up and leave. The film was quite short, thankfully, and still manages to have several pointless flashback scenes. How cares that Nic Cage got angry when he wasted his money on a pool table, it adds nothing.
The nicest thing I can say about this film is that Nic Cage going full crazy was fun, but nothing you haven’t seen before. This film comes under the category – Just because you can make a film, doesn’t mean you should.
Quick Verdict: I really wanted to like it
I love Michael Pena and I really like Dax Shepard, but something just didn’t click for me. Now I know I’m not too old for dick jokes, maybe I just wasn’t in the mood when I watched it.
47. Alien: Covenant
Quick Verdict: It’s as bad as they say
It’s hard to believe that we have five films in this list before Alien Covenant, but it happened. That just shows how bad the others are. Mark Kermode was very upset about this film and how close it comes to ruining the original for everyone. He is spot on.
I was a big fan of Prometheus and was keen to see how Dr Shaw and David would develop but I just wish I hadn’t seen it. If someone could erase this film from my memory, please get in contact.
46. Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge (Dead Men Tell No Tales)
Quick Verdict: Not the worst, but that doesn’t say much
This is the fifth entry the very very very long running Pirates saga, and like the third and fourth one, the only positive I can say, is it’s not as bad as the second one. Don’t get me started on that spinning wheel scene. Anyway, that’s still not a recommendation. Wait, I have found another positive. It’s got the shortest running time of the franchise.
So, it’s very much like any previous entry. We’re treated to some backstory, in the form of some creepy looking young Johnny Depp. They’ve replaced Keira and Orlando with younger and just as boring characters, Johnny Depp is his usual zany self, somethings missing, or they’re looking for something, I’m not sure. They sail, they blow up things and everyone lives happily ever after until the next time they need a bit of cash.
45. Killing Hasselhoff
Quick Verdict: Hollywood, we’re out of ideas
This film is crazy. We have some great comedic stars doing what then can, the Hoff is his usual grand persona, but it is just crazy and just a mess.
It’s a shame and I do sometimes think I’m a bit harsh on films like this, and the budget and restraints that film studios put on films wouldn’t have help. Unfortunately, it just didn’t land for me.
44. The Man From U.N.C.L.E
Quick Verdict: Get the TV boxset ready
It took four viewings to get through this film. My wife gave up after the first break, the dialogue was making her angry. I struggled through and to be fair enjoyed the odd part, but let’s face it, that isn’t a recommendation. Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer are two great actors who are just bad. Alicia Vikander and Elizabeth Debicki are by far the better characters but due to the film title are majorly underused. With this and the dreadful King Arthur, can Guy Ritche make good films anymore? I am worried for Aladdin.
43. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Quick Verdict: It’s no Secret of the Ooze
If I’m honest I had to read up on the film to remember what happened. I watched it about eleven months ago and should have done a write up straight away. The only review I can write is that it is mostly forgettable explosions, running, jumping, sliding and nonsense dialogue. The main villain is around for five minutes and has no time to make an impact, Megan Fox proves once again she can’t act, and to be honest I didn’t expect anything better than this from Michael Bay’s production company.
42. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Quick Verdict: Louder, but not better
Okay I have big issues with this film, but I’ll start with the positives. Elton John was good.
Right, that’s the positives done. Just what is going on? Mark Kermode said it best about this sequel when he remarked ‘all the things that bothered me in the first film were amplified, and the things that I liked about the first film just seemed to have disappeared into the ether.’ So, I’ll steer away from the ramped up vulgar stuff and focus on plot, casting and the ridiculous action.
I think the plot has the first film to blame. The first film had such a grand plot, with such epic development and consequences, that they needed to go bigger. This was a bit of an alarm bell before I watched it, and in terms of the ridiculous action I had already thought they would just go into the realms of insane. The film starts with a taxi ride, Taron and villain jumping in and out of a speeding car with no sense of jeopardy or thought that they might injure themselves. This is a theme throughout the film, no one looks like they are in any danger, as they are simply in some choregraphed dance routine that happens to involve a bit of fighting. Yes, it worked in the first film on those couple of occasions, but that doesn’t mean we need to see it every five minutes and ramped up to eleven.
Now my biggest problem with the film is Colin Firth. He was a great character in the first film and everyone was shocked that he was killed off, but that doesn’t mean you need to bring him back from the dead with some stupid technology that null and voids any death from now on. Story wise, Taron had already got a work partner in the Sophie Cookson, oh wait, no she’s blown up five minutes in. Why kill off a potential female lead who had already been established, and who was a rarity in the female film characters by not being attracted to the male lead and replace her with a crap version of a character people liked in the last film. He doesn’t know who he is for most of the film, and even when he does return, it then becomes, oh well we’ve seen all this before. Yes, but this time it’s ramped up to eleven!
Quick Verdict: Look Mike Myers is dressed up, that’s funny
It’s hard to know where to start with this film. Well I only just realised the film was advertised as a revenge. Serves me right for not looking at the film poster beforehand. I just spent a lot of time watching this thinking, I have no idea what is going on and where is this leading. It wants to be a cross between Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Sin City and Super Mario Bros: The Movie. Okay, maybe not the last one, but it does have that look. We’re treated to long monologues that don’t seem natural, big coincidences and characters who turn out to be pointless. Now I don’t mind the pointless character if it helps move the story along, but it just held it up, the film really could have been over in ten minutes. Then the final nail in this film is the two characters holding people up, I was convinced that was going to lead somewhere, even in the final shot I thought this is it, then the credits roll. Oh, what a waste of Neville Longbottom and Shaun.
To be continued……..