⭐⭐ Stars

Quick Verdict – What The Force was that?

episode 1

So I went into this film with high expectations. Possibly a lot higher than I should have. But why not. The teaser poster looked awesome, the trailer looked like a film I’d really enjoy and it was Star Wars, what could possibly go wrong?
Turns out, A LOT!
Now this could easily turn into a massive rant, so I’m going to resist the urge and try and talk about the positives first. (Then I will rant) Let’s start with Darth Maul. What a villain! He was the silent, awesome-looking, hard as nails villain we were hoping for. His lightsaber was double-ended, how amazing is that. My brother owned Darth Maul’s double ender! It broke from overuse. His battle with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon at the end of the film is pretty legendary.
So he was a positive, erm, there might be some other positives but I can’t think of any. So lets tackle the elephant in the room. JAR-JAR FUCKING BINKS. Apologies for the capital letters and the swearing but I had to. Now I get that these Star Wars prequels were aimed at kids, but I’m not sure they even liked the slimey little toad. He was soooooooooo annoying. I’d like to jump into this movie and punch you in the face annoying. He couldn’t talk properly, he was a liability and anything that he did that was constructive or helpful, WAS BY ACCIDENT. Sorry, those capital letters crept in again. I’m sure Lucas thought in his mind that he could make a mint out of all the Jar-Jar memrobelia. The reality is that Lucas ranch has an abandoned barn dedicated to cuddly toys, mugs, action figures and key rings, all with Jar-Jar’s stupid face on. Okay rant number one over.

Now for a plot summary for anyone who hasn’t seen Episode 1. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn are sent to Naboo to help negotiate some stuff that I can’t even be bothered to remember, they end up being attacked, they escape from Naboo with Natalie Portman and then have to stop at Tattooine and stumble upon an annoying little shit called Anakin Skywalker.
Which brings me onto my next rant. George Lucas clearly didn’t have enough story to stretch out three prequels, so we have to endure 20 minutes of Pod Racing, which is entertaining for a bit but goes on for too damm long.
After all the crap on Tattooine, Darth Maul turns up. At last we’re going to have a great fight, oh wait no we’re not. Instead more boring talking rubbish before they return to Naboo for a final battle where you don’t care about Jar-Jar, you don’t care about Natalie Portman, you certainly don’t give a crap about the stupid child who accidentally got in a spaceship and is fighting up in space. No, you only care about the awesome three way fight between Darth Maul, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gun.
So all in all not a great start to the most anticipated prequel trilogy ever. (At this time in history, this isn’t the place to start talking about The Hobbit) The story was lacking, the effects were overused, most characters were annoying or one dimensional and Lucas seemed to be more interested in selling memorabilia than giving us an entertaining film to watch. Although I did like the Pod Racing game for the N64.
Don’t worry though, turns out Episode 2 is set 10 years later, that means they’ll have to recast Anakin Skywalker. Surely he’ll be less annoying!

Watch this if you like –

Having your childhood crushed in 120 minutes.

Now below is a great YouTube video of What if Episode I were good. This guy is definitely worth a watch.

 

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